I know I haven’t posted for a while. My excuse? I’ve been distracted by an amazing guy. His name is Trevor. I feel so ridiculous for falling in love with him so quickly, but it just feels so right. I feel like he’s meant for me. I feel like he’s the one for me. He’s perfect. He’s genuine, kind, caring, and he loves me for who I am. I don’t feel like I need to be someone I’m not for him to love and appreciate who I am. I met him at an old job in Morgantown. We were in the same training class. It’s funny how things work out. I was with Derek then and I didn’t give Trevor a second look. If I hadn’t moved to Morgantown with Derek, I wouldn’t have gone to Florida or met Trevor. It’s like I had to get hurt by him to be happy. I guess everything happens for a reason right? I’ve never ever believed that more than I do now.
I’ve learned a few things in my life. One is that there are people in the world who would love to see you fail. However, if you stay a good person through and through, there will also be people who would love to see all of your dreams come true. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life and every time I have been lucky enough to have someone there for me. They’re why I can hold my head high.
Sometimes I can’t believe my life is where it’s at. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and bad choices in my life and that I’m not done making them. I just don’t believe I deserve to have my life be where it’s at. A dead-end. I want to be someone. I want to make something out of my life. My dreams have been put on hold. I let him do that. I never should have left Disney. I could have climbed higher up the career ladder there. Unfortunately, I let him get into my head and I came home. I’m not sorry that we broke up. Just for the way things ended. I really did love him. I still do. I can honestly say that I have moved on. It will be a while before I meet the right guy. I’m willing to wait. I deserve someone who will put me on a pedestal after everything in my life. I don’t want to live like I use to. I refuse to settle with anything less than perfect.
There has been some terrible things, one in particular, that have destroyed who I am. I’d like to think that I’ve grown stronger because of them, but in the end, I’m weaker. I’m afraid to be in the dark or to go to a party where I don’t know absolutely everyone who will be there. Maybe I’ll get over my past eventually. For now… I’m just taking it one day at a time.
So, I burnt the old pictures of me and my ex. We were together for four years. I admit, I cried like a baby. Honestly though, I feel better. I feel like I burnt my past. The memories will always be there but they hurt less. I will always love him, but now I can put the past behind me.
The first guy I ever fell in love with, the one I gave EVERYTHING to when I was fifteen, the one that got away. I still love him. What’s worse is that he’s my best friend now. The way he looks at me… I know he feels the same. He has this wall up where he won’t let anyone in. He even confessed to me that he felt himself becoming attached to me, so he flipped the fuck out. He yelled at me for talking to him to much, as if it was my fault. I know that most of you reading this will probably think that he’s a player. He’s not though. He’s sweet but he doesn’t know it, kind-hearted even though he tries to pretend otherwise, he’s gentle, he’s good looking, understanding, and he knows me better than I know myself. I just wish he would take down the walls he has built around himself and realize that I’m the perfect girl for him. I know it sounds conceited, but no one knows him better than I do. That’s the truth. No one sticks around long enough to see the man behind the mask he has. I compare every guy to him. I didn’t notice it at first, but I do. I have tried to move on and when I realized that all I was did was think about him, I ended it.
I don’t expect anyone to read this, I basically turned this space on the internet into my own personal diary. It’s just nice to express what’s in my head and in my heart somewhere. I feel a little bit better now that I wrote everything out. No one knows what the future holds. I’ll figure things out eventually.
My name is Miranda. I have a weird way of doing things. Right now I’m going to tell you about my life and who I am. Really this blog is just because I realize I need to vent somehow without pissing someone off. I was born on April 19, 1991 to my single mother. She was 19. My mother gave me the world and more. She married my step dad (the man I’ll refer to as simply “dad” from this point on) when I was 3. I have a little brother and a little sister.
the 5 of us last year
Now that you have some background on me, I suppose I should talk about right now. I tried to go to college and failed out because I didn’t exactly try. I was living in Morgantown and going to WVU. I was living with my boyfriend there. We were together for almost four years. He said some things and I felt like we just weren’t meant for each other. So, I made the hard decision of ending it in October. I moved to Florida in August and did the Disney college program. I ended up quitting after three months. The paycheck wasn’t enough for the cost of living and I was basically starving. I lost 75 pounds while there though. I met people who have made a huge impact in my life and left footprints on my heart. I will never forget them. When I left the program in October, I moved in with my paralyzed cousin, Billy. He had an accident almost 2 years ago. If I knew how much my family needed me here, I never would have gone to Florida. I take care of Billy’s daughters. They’re six and ten years old. When they go to their mother’s house I get the time to myself away from the girls, but I still have to stay at the house. Just in case Billy needs something during the night. Before I moved in, Billy’s mom, Brenda, was taking care of him and the girls. She was stressed out and couldn’t handle it. Now, she only has to worry about Billy.
I want to travel the world. I want to go to Paris. I want to fall in love, for real this time. I want to actually get over my ex and not think about him all the time. For now though, I don’t mind being with them. They make me smile and take my mind off of things when I’m having a bad day. They sure do know how to get under my skin though.
Someday, Billy will walk again. Since he can wiggle his toes, I know he will! When he can walk again, I can leave his house and do everything I want to do. Family comes first. Family is all you have when the world turns their back on you.
iwantsomuchmore 